I am currently reading Stephen King's newest novel, Lisey's Story. The main character of this book is not quite a writer, as is so typical of Stephen King stories, but she is the wife of a recently deceased writer -- a very famous, award-winning writer.
Lisey's Story has been stirring up all sorts of emotions, which I guess is a sign that it is a very good book (in my opinion at least). Most of it takes place in Lisey's head as she remembers all sorts of happenings from her marriage. A la Stephen King, a lot of stuff about their lives is kinda weired, kinda smucked up, but it's still so fascinating and real.
Anyway, the point of this isn't necessarily for me to give you a book review (though you should try this one). The point of this is I'm kind of frustrated with things right now. Lisey is so often overshadowed by her husband, and she feels like an idiot in comparison to him. I don't feel exactly like that in my relationship, but I'm sometimes scared of shifting to the background in my own life. I have all these ambitions that I just plain don't commit to, and I'm so dissatisfied and disgusted with myself right now.
Strap it on, Little Lisey.
3/28/07
3/25/07
Misconceptions
This evening I was searching for blogs to post on for a class, and I was growing frustrated because all my favorites had not posted for about a month.
Then I realized that I am a complete hypocrite. Not that I am anyone's favorite, but I can see that there are some people checking out my blog and getting disappointed.
Last night I volunteered at the Children's Museum with the Physics Club for Mythbuster's Night. It was fantastic. I was, however, apalled at how many parents led their children into giving the wrong answers on their little quizzes even after the physics of things had been explained to them. Some people are just completely unwilling to give up on their perceptions. It seems like life should work a certain way, and even if it doesn't, I'll go on thinking it does.
Is that why so many marriages fail? Is that why there are so many terrible divas on American Idol? Is that why so many college freshman party for an entire year and then flunk out and work at department stores and fast food joints their whole lives?
Then I realized that I am a complete hypocrite. Not that I am anyone's favorite, but I can see that there are some people checking out my blog and getting disappointed.
Last night I volunteered at the Children's Museum with the Physics Club for Mythbuster's Night. It was fantastic. I was, however, apalled at how many parents led their children into giving the wrong answers on their little quizzes even after the physics of things had been explained to them. Some people are just completely unwilling to give up on their perceptions. It seems like life should work a certain way, and even if it doesn't, I'll go on thinking it does.
Is that why so many marriages fail? Is that why there are so many terrible divas on American Idol? Is that why so many college freshman party for an entire year and then flunk out and work at department stores and fast food joints their whole lives?
2/15/07
Television
I only watched an hour and a half of television today. After my snow day yesterday, I felt like I had done nothing. I decided that this is because I watched too much television.
Today was amazing. I felt like I got so much more done, and I felt much more energized all day. That could also be because I didn't have much class. I introduced too many new variables for this experiment to work.
The point is, I definitely watch too much television. I need to do more reading, and writing, and less brain melting. I have become the things that I disdain in my peers, so I need to get off my lazy butt.
Today was amazing. I felt like I got so much more done, and I felt much more energized all day. That could also be because I didn't have much class. I introduced too many new variables for this experiment to work.
The point is, I definitely watch too much television. I need to do more reading, and writing, and less brain melting. I have become the things that I disdain in my peers, so I need to get off my lazy butt.
2/10/07
the lightness of me
I have been thinking a lot about lightness recently.
A Czech writer named Milan Kundera wrote a wonderful novel named The Unbearable Lightness of Being. He examines the philosophies of Nietzche, and eternal return. He says that in a universe in which our actions were repeated endlessly, they would have weight. But as we live in a universe where we only are allotted one life each, our lives have an unbearable lightness.
To think that what I do with my life will ultimately have no impact has always been unbearable to me. I am my least happy in jobs and tasks that are mundane, that hold absolutely no weight. These new jobs with weight though, they are exhausting. I find myself drawing back, and trying to be light. I try to reconcile myself with the fact that my presence will have no effect on the people I am working with. I want to be light, because being heavy is so hard.
And then I always end up watching a teaching movie. These "based on a true story" tales that make me think that maybe if I tried hard enough, it would be possible to really "make a difference." So I desperately cling to the hope that I have already, or will someday have a lasting impact on another human being. I want to affect a life at risk.
A Czech writer named Milan Kundera wrote a wonderful novel named The Unbearable Lightness of Being. He examines the philosophies of Nietzche, and eternal return. He says that in a universe in which our actions were repeated endlessly, they would have weight. But as we live in a universe where we only are allotted one life each, our lives have an unbearable lightness.
To think that what I do with my life will ultimately have no impact has always been unbearable to me. I am my least happy in jobs and tasks that are mundane, that hold absolutely no weight. These new jobs with weight though, they are exhausting. I find myself drawing back, and trying to be light. I try to reconcile myself with the fact that my presence will have no effect on the people I am working with. I want to be light, because being heavy is so hard.
And then I always end up watching a teaching movie. These "based on a true story" tales that make me think that maybe if I tried hard enough, it would be possible to really "make a difference." So I desperately cling to the hope that I have already, or will someday have a lasting impact on another human being. I want to affect a life at risk.
2/5/07
oh, shallow me
Sorry for the long absence, my friend the reader. I have hardly had time to sleep, so blogging has taken the cut from my schedule.
In my newly acquired position of Resident Assistant/enforcer of quiter radio volumes/buster of unnecessary dorm parties/hated new authority I have so far learned nothing. I suppose that is all right, but it is leaving me exhausted. If this job is so time consuming, I would like to take something away from it other than baggy eyes and a check for my room and board. Any job that demands so much time should be rewarding. Perhaps I am not trying hard enough.
I do like a lot of my residents, and we have had some fun times together. I love making bulletin boards, and door decorations make me smile. The girls especially loved their Disney princess valentines.
In the first week of school, I lost a couple of gaskets, because I was telling myself that if I don't like this job, I won't like teaching. I really hope it's different -- I mean, living with people really changes your perspectives. Teaching in a high school deals with students in small doses at a time. Am I saying I like more shallow relationships? I hope that's not what I mean.
In my newly acquired position of Resident Assistant/enforcer of quiter radio volumes/buster of unnecessary dorm parties/hated new authority I have so far learned nothing. I suppose that is all right, but it is leaving me exhausted. If this job is so time consuming, I would like to take something away from it other than baggy eyes and a check for my room and board. Any job that demands so much time should be rewarding. Perhaps I am not trying hard enough.
I do like a lot of my residents, and we have had some fun times together. I love making bulletin boards, and door decorations make me smile. The girls especially loved their Disney princess valentines.
In the first week of school, I lost a couple of gaskets, because I was telling myself that if I don't like this job, I won't like teaching. I really hope it's different -- I mean, living with people really changes your perspectives. Teaching in a high school deals with students in small doses at a time. Am I saying I like more shallow relationships? I hope that's not what I mean.
12/21/06
choices
today i went shopping with my mom. i bought a new coat and a tank top thingy to go under my christmas sweater for mass on christmas eve. we had a good time. mom also bought really cute shoes.
i then went to work.
and sometime in there i realized that this is the type of story that some of these kids will never get to tell.
also, a woman who works with street children in brazil told a story about a young man who came to volunteer with her. he was from sweden, and when he returned to his advantaged life after spending a summer in the slums of brazil, he killed himself.
tonight, two of my kids are on the streets of davenport, getting drunk and high. it is rainy and cold. but it was also their choice. that is why i am typing to you right now, dear reader, instead of joining my swedish bosom buddy. their lives suck, but in the end, what they do is their choice. i just hope that the ones that i tell this to will one day believe me and do something about it.
i then went to work.
and sometime in there i realized that this is the type of story that some of these kids will never get to tell.
also, a woman who works with street children in brazil told a story about a young man who came to volunteer with her. he was from sweden, and when he returned to his advantaged life after spending a summer in the slums of brazil, he killed himself.
tonight, two of my kids are on the streets of davenport, getting drunk and high. it is rainy and cold. but it was also their choice. that is why i am typing to you right now, dear reader, instead of joining my swedish bosom buddy. their lives suck, but in the end, what they do is their choice. i just hope that the ones that i tell this to will one day believe me and do something about it.
12/4/06
winter
The trees here are all coated in ice. When you first look at them, it just looks like the customary snow balanced delicately on the bark, but when you look closer, you can see that each little twig has been preserved in ice. My favorite is a tree on the way to the quad from my dorms; it has lots of little red berries all over it, and the whole thing has been dipped in ice. It twinkles in the sunlight. This is why I love winter. It is so beautiful, and even sometimes surprising to me after almost 21 years.
When Michael and I went home this weekend, the trees lining the interstate were likewise covered in glittering ice. I see this now as a blessing on what was otherwise a hellish trip (two hours turned into five). We saw almost 300 cars in the ditches and stuck on unplowed offramps -- no exaggeration. No wonder so many people hate snow.
However, I wonder if the people who hate snow and ice ever take time to watch the trees sparkle when the light hits just right. I wonder if they ever pause in walking, or are left breathless when they turn a bend on the road on a long trip and see a ravine positively glowing in the sunset.
We have such little respect for this beauty -- it is a thing to be conquered by 4-wheel drive, space heaters, and microfleece linings. The majority of those people stuck in the ditches (who were not driving semis) were piloting nice cars, that were probably excellently equipped for snowy weather.
I often get frustrated with such people, who think they can conquer the discomforts of their lives. They rush around, dirtying snow and getting stuck in ditches. They interrupt scenes of beauty with their hasty driving and exhaust fumes.
Then again, someday not too long from now, the creator or mother earth, whomever you prefer, will send a warmer sun and digging animals and create a muddy mess all his/her/its own.
When Michael and I went home this weekend, the trees lining the interstate were likewise covered in glittering ice. I see this now as a blessing on what was otherwise a hellish trip (two hours turned into five). We saw almost 300 cars in the ditches and stuck on unplowed offramps -- no exaggeration. No wonder so many people hate snow.
However, I wonder if the people who hate snow and ice ever take time to watch the trees sparkle when the light hits just right. I wonder if they ever pause in walking, or are left breathless when they turn a bend on the road on a long trip and see a ravine positively glowing in the sunset.
We have such little respect for this beauty -- it is a thing to be conquered by 4-wheel drive, space heaters, and microfleece linings. The majority of those people stuck in the ditches (who were not driving semis) were piloting nice cars, that were probably excellently equipped for snowy weather.
I often get frustrated with such people, who think they can conquer the discomforts of their lives. They rush around, dirtying snow and getting stuck in ditches. They interrupt scenes of beauty with their hasty driving and exhaust fumes.
Then again, someday not too long from now, the creator or mother earth, whomever you prefer, will send a warmer sun and digging animals and create a muddy mess all his/her/its own.
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